Here I am again.

I began tapering off my Zoloft several weeks ago (under medical supervision; I'm not THAT crazy). I've been completely off it for 2.5 weeks. I thought I was doing fine, but a few days ago, I was suddenly a train wreck.

I am drowning. I am suffocating. Any bit of light or joy is fleeting. Only the darkness will last. I know this feeling very well.* I don't like this feeling.

But I deserve it. I am a horrible person, and I should obviously be miserable. I am impatient and snappish, despite there being real arguments to be made that my husband and daughters are some of the awesomest in the history of ever. I can't manage basic chores around the house. I can't focus. What kind of person is only patient or kind or caring or tidy when she is medicated? I'm going through the motions with the girls, but it's all an act. I (try to) do the things and act the way I normally would, but the motivation is all wrong. It feels unnatural, and so difficult. I love my family more than anything, but right now, it wouldn't take much to convince me that any stranger off the street could fill my role here better than I do.

When I'm medicated, I know that my brain chemistry is whacked and the Zoloft simply puts it to rights. That it enables me to be my best, true self.

Without the meds, I know that this useless, pathetic sack of misery is my true self. How could adding something from outside of you reveal your true nature? That doesn't even make any sense. This is who I am.

I'm not sure why I want to post this. Sometimes, I just feel like things need saying.

*Fortunately, I recognize it perfectly, and I know exactly how to make it go away. I emailed my psychiatrist yesterday. I restarted the Zoloft yesterday. It'll take a couple weeks to get back up to my full dose, but I'll be back to enjoying my incredibly blessed life soon. Because I choose happiness over misery, whatever that means about my brain and who I really am.

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