I Am Not Enough

April 2, 2020 3:13 pm

The girls have lost:

  • School (Heather: 2nd grade, Corinne: Pre-K)
    • academic instruction
    • social interaction
    • physical exercise
    • music
    • crafts
    • I don't even know what else
  • Gymnastics class
  • Swimming class
  • Art class
  • Church
  • Playing with friends
  • Weekly trips to the library and park

I am neither capable nor qualified to fill all those holes. I wasn't even good at the basic lifing I should have been doing before all this. And now...

It's too much. It's like when they were newborns. I think there's something wrong with me that I didn't enjoy the newborn stage. I was crushed by the overwhelming sense that not only was I 100% responsible for this helpless creature, but I was definitely for sure without-a-doubt failing. No matter how much I loved them, or how hard I tried. I just wasn't enough.

At those times, it was post-partum depression, and meds and time and eventually getting to sleep a reasonable amount did wonders.

But now... The girls fight, I'm short-tempered because I feel like I'm being squeezed from all sides, all the time, for weeks now, and I'm supposed to shepherd Heather through her schoolwork, keep Corinne working on her letters and writing, do science experiments, involve them in daily chores, teach Corinne to poop in the potty (which I haven't managed in 5 years, so I already have an A+ there), get them outside, make art, some religious instruction would probably be good now that we're down to zero in that department, read together, get their bodies moving so they will actually sleep at bedtime, play games, referee arguments, help manage emotions, oh, and satisfy Corinne's insatiable demands for both food and one-on-one play.

And, of course, I have no right at all to complain. We're healthy. We have a safe, comfortable home to shelter in. We stocked up on necessary supplies before this all hit. Kyle is working from home. (And if you know him at all, you already know that he is...I'm too stressed to find good words. He's the best. I don't have to explain; you already know.) I have the luxury of being home with the girls during this. (We're all home, but you know what I mean. I'm not trying to work a full-time job at the same time as all the above, like so many people.) We have a yard for the girls to play in. There are so many resources available at this time to make this all easier, and we are using them. (The girls are in doing Cosmic Kids Yoga on YouTube right now.) Really, I don't think we could be in a better situation for all this. I have no right to feel as awful as I do.

But I do. I am not enough.

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