Author: Jessica Dickerson

I Am Not Enough

April 2, 2020 3:13 pm

The girls have lost:

  • School (Heather: 2nd grade, Corinne: Pre-K)
    • academic instruction
    • social interaction
    • physical exercise
    • music
    • crafts
    • I don’t even know what else
  • Gymnastics class
  • Swimming class
  • Art class
  • Church
  • Playing with friends
  • Weekly trips to the library and park

I am neither capable nor qualified to fill all those holes. I wasn’t even good at the basic lifing I should have been doing before all this. And now…

It’s too much. It’s like when they were newborns. I think there’s something wrong with me that I didn’t enjoy the newborn stage. I was crushed by the overwhelming sense that not only was I 100% responsible for this helpless creature, but I was definitely for sure without-a-doubt failing. No matter how much I loved them, or how hard I tried. I just wasn’t enough.

At those times, it was post-partum depression, and meds and time and eventually getting to sleep a reasonable amount did wonders.

But now… The girls fight, I’m short-tempered because I feel like I’m being squeezed from all sides, all the time, for weeks now, and I’m supposed to shepherd Heather through her schoolwork, keep Corinne working on her letters and writing, do science experiments, involve them in daily chores, teach Corinne to poop in the potty (which I haven’t managed in 5 years, so I already have an A+ there), get them outside, make art, some religious instruction would probably be good now that we’re down to zero in that department, read together, get their bodies moving so they will actually sleep at bedtime, play games, referee arguments, help manage emotions, oh, and satisfy Corinne’s insatiable demands for both food and one-on-one play.

And, of course, I have no right at all to complain. We’re healthy. We have a safe, comfortable home to shelter in. We stocked up on necessary supplies before this all hit. Kyle is working from home. (And if you know him at all, you already know that he is…I’m too stressed to find good words. He’s the best. I don’t have to explain; you already know.) I have the luxury of being home with the girls during this. (We’re all home, but you know what I mean. I’m not trying to work a full-time job at the same time as all the above, like so many people.) We have a yard for the girls to play in. There are so many resources available at this time to make this all easier, and we are using them. (The girls are in doing Cosmic Kids Yoga on YouTube right now.) Really, I don’t think we could be in a better situation for all this. I have no right to feel as awful as I do.

But I do. I am not enough.

Here I am again.

February 10, 2017 6:05 pm

I began tapering off my Zoloft several weeks ago (under medical supervision; I’m not THAT crazy). I’ve been completely off it for 2.5 weeks. I thought I was doing fine, but a few days ago, I was suddenly a train wreck.

I am drowning. I am suffocating. Any bit of light or joy is fleeting. Only the darkness will last. I know this feeling very well.* I don’t like this feeling.

But I deserve it. I am a horrible person, and I should obviously be miserable. I am impatient and snappish, despite there being real arguments to be made that my husband and daughters are some of the awesomest in the history of ever. I can’t manage basic chores around the house. I can’t focus. What kind of person is only patient or kind or caring or tidy when she is medicated? I’m going through the motions with the girls, but it’s all an act. I (try to) do the things and act the way I normally would, but the motivation is all wrong. It feels unnatural, and so difficult. I love my family more than anything, but right now, it wouldn’t take much to convince me that any stranger off the street could fill my role here better than I do.

When I’m medicated, I know that my brain chemistry is whacked and the Zoloft simply puts it to rights. That it enables me to be my best, true self.

Without the meds, I know that this useless, pathetic sack of misery is my true self. How could adding something from outside of you reveal your true nature? That doesn’t even make any sense. This is who I am.

I’m not sure why I want to post this. Sometimes, I just feel like things need saying.

*Fortunately, I recognize it perfectly, and I know exactly how to make it go away. I emailed my psychiatrist yesterday. I restarted the Zoloft yesterday. It’ll take a couple weeks to get back up to my full dose, but I’ll be back to enjoying my incredibly blessed life soon. Because I choose happiness over misery, whatever that means about my brain and who I really am.

Christmas Break

January 8, 2017 5:17 pm

Okay, the first thing to know about our break is that we’ve been sick almost the entire time. Heather threw up on Christmas Eve, and Corinne started a fever on Christmas afternoon. But Heather was mostly fine after throwing up, and Corinne’s fever cleared up after a day. After that, it was basically just a cold for each of them: congestion, coughing, runny noses…you know, the usual. Nothing too dramatic. And there were plenty of up times in between the periods of misery.

(Also, a lot of these pictures are not great. They’re mostly candid shots of the girls in their natural states of frenzy, which lends itself to blurriness. But I wanted to get them blogged anyway.)

We’ve had some fun playing with different arrangements of the fort (I learned that blocking the TV is not ideal, but they found a way around it regardless):

Heather gave Kyle Wii Sports Resort for Christmas. I think he’s played it for a couple of minutes so far, but she’s dedicated quite a bit of time to it:

By the 28th, this kid was not looking great. She was snotty and eye-goopy and coughing and all-around yucky. Her mood was a bit improved, though.

We had made a date to go to the zoo with the Spencers on the 29th, and we figured the girls were doing pretty good, health-wise. Heather seemed to be mostly recovered from her cold, and while Corinne was still a bit yicky, she was going to be in the stroller most of the time anyway. And we knew everybody needed to get out of the house, so off we went!

Liam, Heather, and Emma

The goats are always a hit.

The zoo was Thursday. Kyle spent Friday-Sunday at death’s door. I was also sick, but not as bad. (My biggest issue was the migraines flared by the congestion.) Aaaand the girls got worse again. New Year’s Eve was Heather’s turn to spike a fever, so we didn’t do any special festivities that night.

Corinne is currently obsessed with moving her food to other containers. Also, practicing her spoon technique.

Heather comes by her bookworm tendencies honestly, at least. I love it!

Trains, yo! And tangrams!

January 2nd, we got the girls in to see the doctor. Corinne’s fever was gone by then, but this virus was just dragging on forever. Both girls were still super snotty and coughing and lethargic, though Heather was showing real signs of recovery. Corinne was diagnosed with the first ear infection either of the girls have had. Very special! So she started antibiotics and started improving very quickly.

I don’t know if it’s clear what Corinne is doing here, but it’s one of her current passions: feeding the critters.

Corinne loves pillow corners MORE THAN LIFE.

Wednesday morning, Heather was bopping around, happy as a lark. That night, she crashed pretty hard. Thursday afternoon, she had a fever. Thursday night, she had a coughing fit so long and hard she was vomiting and I had to call the nurse line for suggestions to make it stop so she could eat (pro tip: there are basically none).

So this was us back at the doctor’s office again on Friday, where Heather was diagnosed with an ear infection. Same ear as Corinne, even! The doc pointed out that that’s one thing they really didn’t need to share.

Both girls are doing much better now. For reals, I think. [fingers crossed!] Heather still wakes up very congested, and she didn’t go to church this morning. (Actually, none of us went to church on Christmas or New Year’s Day. And Kyle missed 2 full days and 2 half days of work this last week. This illness has been a beast!)

I’m hopeful that Heather will be able to go to school tomorrow, but I’m not 100% certain it’ll be a great experience if she does. I’m envisioning her coughing for the first 2 hours and crying/screaming for the rest because she’s worn out. But she’ll be devastated if she has to stay home. So I guess we’ll see how she is in the morning!

Coloring this afternoon.